I’m thinking about your life. I’ve been giving the matter of your life considerable deliberation, and I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion that I know better about how you should live your life than you do. You should trust me, I’m a politician. You should always trust me. Have I ever lied to you?

Here’s my brilliant idea: There’s this fancy new virus from China. It’s a wonderful thing because I can exploit it to rob you of your freedoms and personal liberties. This Chinese virus will kill a tiny percentage of the population (almost entirely old and infirm people) so I’m going to force an incalculable level of suffering upon healthy people won’t be affected by it at all. Let’s force every business to close, force every school and university to close and force everyone to stay at home so that this tiny percentage of the population can die just like they would have if we hadn’t shut everything down anyway. Never mind about just protecting and helping the vulnerable, that isn’t on the menu. We must make everyone suffer. The cure must be worse than the illness. No wonder you voted for me, I’m operating at genius level. And to mark the true apex of my brilliance, I won’t let you call the Chinese virus “Chinese virus”.

Anyone who defies my lockdowns is a racist white supremacist bigot who needs to be lynched in the street, rotting corpse left in the rain for rats to feast on. You need to wear 3 masks all day, every day until 2090 so we can flatten the curve by 2050. Anyone caught defying these rules will be fined $100,000,000 and sentenced to 10,000 years in prison, with the option of parole after 7,500 years of good behavior.

My re-election is coming up. Vote for me, or else I’ll never let you leave home and live a normal life again.